Part One: About Receiving Gifts
They say that “Receiving Gifts” is one of the five love languages; one of a handful of primal needs humans have. I disagree. I think it needs to be basically removed from the love languages. Look at the list:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Look, those first four are primal needs; but what adult in the world needs #5 nowadays? Who is out there that’s not going to feel loved unless they get a Target gift card now and then? “Oh, you know her, she just has get lot of quality time, and also a scented-candle-of-the-month mail subscription service…”
There’s nobody like that. Gifts, today, are a total charade. I mean, there is value to a home-made gift, but that is essentially stored and re-branded Quality Time and Acts of Service.
We need to remove “Receiving Gifts” from the love language list. Everyone has everything that our peers can afford. Gift exchanges are all but obsolete. If I want a thingy, I can buy it on my phone right now and have it delivered tomorrow. I think gifts made more sense, in general, in another time and place. Think about living on the frontier in the 1800’s. You can provide pretty well for yourself living off the land, but it’s a 3 day mule ride to the nearest trading post, and you never know what they’re going to have there. So if a friend comes to visit you on the frontier, and they bring a gift, of say, a nice sharp new saw, some coffee beans, and a couple butterscotches, then WOW that is amazing. Good gift.
Even in more recent times, gifts had some scarcity. If I brought you a Christmas tree ornament, in 1971, and it had a surfing Santa with “Puerto Vallarta 1971” painted on it, then by golly, that thing probably came from Puerto Vallarta, and wow, it must be the only thing I had from Mexico in this whole apartment. Pretty neat! But now, I can order that PV surfing Santa any moment from eBay or Etsy, and nobody I know needs to go to Puerta Vallarta. All the magic is gone.
As a disclaimer though, there’s an exception. In general, Receiving Gifts is the love language of no one, but on the other hand everyone has a price at which Receiving Gifts turns into the primary love language. For example, OF COURSE I’d prefer a Ferrari to a quiet evening of undivided attention. You can give me, say, a house on the cliffs overlooking a Mediterranean coast, and then ignore me for 10 years and I will still feel very loved, and in fact, quite possibly more loved than if you washed my car every week for 10 years instead.
But to the main point, outside of extravagant distributions of wealth, gift giving is pretty dead.
One doesn’t like to admit it, but the sad truth is all of us have had the experience of a family Christmas gathering that turned into a sad crossfire of Target and Starbucks gift cards - great, now everyone has an alternate card to charge when they buy paper towels. So much love.
It is actual pretty normal to even give Visa gift cards. Plain old cash, except you pay like $5 for the card itself. With the Visa gift card, one spends $105 to give somebody $100. Merry Christmas. This whole concept is moronic and shallow, and I can say so, because I’ve done it more than once.
Don’t get me wrong; gifts are nice as a tradition, and I always personally appreciate the thought. I’m not trying to be a complete Scrooge here. It’s just that, you know how people say stuff like, “Bob is so impossible to shop for! I never know what to get him!”? Don’t we say that about virtually all adults now? We do. Nobody ever knows what to get anyone, because we all have everything.
And yet, sometimes a gift can be fun. Which brings us to White Elephants.
Part Two: White Elephant Facts
I think that the White Elephant gift exchange can salvage gift-giving in our spoiled-rotten present day reality. It’s our last hope, for meaningful Christmas presents.
We need to be careful, though, because some of us are losing site of the true meaning of the white elephant. A white elephant, definition one, is pretty much an albino elephant. A white elephant, definition two, is “a possession that provides few benefits and is an inconvenience or a financial burden to maintain.”
An example of definition two is to imagine if somebody were to gift you White Elephant, definition one. Like, that would be extravagant. So expensive, and so out of left field, and yet, so inconvenient! People would talk about this for a while, if I literally brought exotic livestock into my in-laws’ beautiful home on Christmas Eve. The dog isn’t even supposed to walk on the carpet in there; can you imagine a whole elephant?
An actual white elephant is the most pure form of a White Elephant gift, and we, as a society could use a reminder. I am Linus, here on stage, telling the Charlie Browns of the world what it’s all about.
My strong opinions and principles regarding White Elephants trace to a very early and impressionable age. I was maybe 9 years old. My sisters were poor awkward adolescents, trying to find their place in the world and make friends, and one of them got invited to a White Elephant gift exchange. This was the first time that anyone in our family had heard of the concept. Like, seriously, not just us kids. We’re talking mom and dad must’ve gone to the bookshelf, pulled out the 25lb “WXYZ” volume of the encyclopedia, and looked up the definition of “white elephant.”
There, in the encyclopedia, mom undoubtedly found the anecdote about a Persian prince or something coming and literally giving a white elephant as a gift to another prince, and how it was both impressive, but also completely inconvenient and overall a disgusting waste of space.
I can imagine her delight, because she had a lifelong quest to de-clutter her home. Here was a chance to make remarkable progress.
As it turns out, we had and were storing what, in my memory, was a boxed 25 lb metal sculpture of an eagle, custom designed to be mounted about one’s garage door, in a display of patriotism. This was taking up useful space in our home, and somehow my sister was convinced to bring this as her contribution to the white elephant gift exchange with the other 14 year old girls who she wished to befriend.
I honestly don’t know how this ended; but I imagine it was spectacular. Ever since, I’ve had a slightly abnormal fascination with the whole concept.
And so here we are, with this article. I’ve got 10 great ideas for what you can bring to your White Elephant gift exchanges this year, but first, I just want to say a few more things about the state of things today. We’ve got some new, competing philosophies and strategies in White Elephant gift exchanges:
There’s the give-something-everyone-is-going-to-love strategy, aka the generous/people-pleasing strategy. At worst, this is Michael Scott and his iPod. At best, this is a good, tasty bottle of an adult beverage. I mean, I’m not 100% complaining about this White Elephant strategy, and I will definitely try to be last to steal this gift; but it is in utter defiance of the spirit of White Elephant.
There’s the play-it-safe-and-don’t-be-judged strategy. This involves getting something people will like, but you’re not wealthy, and don’t want to put a ton of time into this, so you need to go very mainstream. This is where the gift card comes in. Maybe attach the gift card to, like, a pint glass, or a scented candle, in your token attempt to venture some personality and effort to the public square. Safe, respectable, but far from the standard of an exotic albino livestock.
There’s the strategy of getting rid of unopened and unwanted clutter that you found in your house. This was my mom’s approach. It is the worst to receive, but ideologically, I respect it. I believe it is a step closer to honoring the true gamesmanship of the White Elephant gift exchange.
There’s also the live-entertainment, crowd-pleasing, practical joke, gift. This is a good strong step in the right direction. My friend Murphy once gifted a box of what appeared to be an excellent bottle of Scotch, but the box actually contained a water bottle. Then after all the dust was settled, and somebody thought they came away with nothing but a bottle of water, he revealed that a $20 gift card was hidden in the box as well. What an emotional roller coaster! Well played.
Those are the main strategies; but there’s another way. You can use something from the list I am about to share, of inconvenient and remarkable gifts in the true spirit of the game. My Substack has thus far centered on consumer technology, and it is here that I need to point out that Amazon is a modern marvel of White Elephant gift finding. Yes, the internet website Amazon Dot Com can allow you to be a rock star like never before, in this years White Elephant Gift Exchange.
Part Three: 10 Great White Elephant Gifts for 2022
I present to you, below, 10 glorious 2022 White Elephant gift ideas that are certain to make a lasting impression on your friends, family, co-workers, fellow teenagers, or whoever you’re sharing this wonderful tradition with. Without further ado, ENJOY!
10: Hot Dog Toaster
This is on Prime right now for $49.88, so it’s perfect if you’re in a $50 and under event. Really, this is the epitome of White Elephant gifts - short of literally an elephant. This is something that most people would use maybe once, or never. The kitchen storage space makes it entirely unattractive. And who eats hot dogs, at home, but not while grilling? Probably just about nobody. Having this in your home is embarrassing - you’d have to hide it. Even taking it and dropping it off at Goodwill would be humiliating. Can you even give something like this away for free on OfferUp? Great gift.
9: Cars & Trucks Mini Waffle Maker
If the hot dog toaster is a little out of your price range, but you like the idea of a friend wasting storage space in their kitchen for years before they realize they need to just throw away your gift… then here is a phenomenal option at $39.99. It’s a waffle maker, but instead of the iconic “waffle” shape (boring), it cooks the spongey mass of buttery carbs into the shape of motor vehicles. I suppose this makes some sense for kids, so make sure that if you bring this, none of the attendees have small children, otherwise the true White Elephant nature of this is slightly compromised. Although, why would anyone be going out of their way to encourage a child to eat more waffles? “Our pediatrician is concerned about Johnny’s lab results, and asked us if we’re making sure he is getting enough waffles, but it is so hard to get him to eat waffles! So much crying! But then she recommended the Cars & Trucks Waffle Maker, and waffle time is a breeze, every day!”
8: Clean Dreams Kitchen Sponge Holder
CYBER MONDAY ALERT! There’s a great sale today for your next option! We’re staying in the kitchen, but with a much lower price, and versatility that expands to the bathroom as well. Coming in for Cyber Monday, at an outstanding value at $10.54, down from $23.95, you can probably pass this off for a $25 and under White Elephant gift exchange. If you roll through the product images you’ll learn about it’s many benefits:
Designed to dry and drain.
Compatible with multiples types of “standard size” sponges (standard size as legislated by the International Committee of Sponge Dimension Regulation - famously ridden with corruption from Big Sponge money).
A space-saving “sink staple.” I mean, when you think of sinks, you always picture one of these. One of first things you go out and buy when you’re moving into a new place, and it’s always there in hotels, if you think about it. A true staple.
“Upgrade your kitchen” - I think these are probably brought in as part of the kitchen remodel on popular home-flipping shows.
Most importantly, it says it is a fun and functional gift for anyone.
7: T-Rex Head Wall Decor
This beauty comes in at $20.79 and is sure to make a strong impression. I put this in perhaps because it hearkens back to my bald eagle wall decor anecdote. I think this 1-ups the bald eagle, frankly. The linked Amazon listing has a phenomenal “About this item” section as well, obviously translated poorly from a very different language:
“It is perfect big 3D fake animal wall decor.”
“Today is not the time like jurassic, cretaceous and triassic period when real dragon lived, but…”
“Exercise your handmade skills and stimulate you imagination, develop your patience, and improve your relationships with your companions.” A life-changing journey to become a better man and live life more fully.
6: U Ice of A Ice Cube Tray
We’re back to the kitchen again, with this very nice United States of America ice cube tray. Perfect to drop into your favorite glass of scotch. Especially fun for election night, this gift can provide a much-needed chance to bring a political discussion into your holiday gathering! For example, loudly announce your favorite states and governors, or speculate on what led to the consolidation of many east coast states into the larger, super-states in the upper right. Do not miss this bargain at $11.84! Merry Christmas!
5: Chubby Seal Pillow
Make a real “splash” with this beautiful seal pillow! Available from MANY drop-shipper suppliers on Prime, you can pay many different prices for this, I suppose based on your preference for the product descriptions, or by lowest price. I clicked on one that’s going to $13.99, which is very reasonable for a chubby seal pillow. You could buy this, AND the sponge bed, and package it together for some lucky winner in a $25 limit event.
4: Toast and Toaster Ambiance Lighting Fixtures
At $27.99, you can get this as a sort of generous, stretch-the-budget gift in the $20 or $25 events. I’d even bet you can get away with bringing something like this to a $40 or even $50 event. People typically have no idea what a set of toast lights costs these days. This is just a great contribution for all the toast lovers out there, who are building a toast theme where they live. Especially at night, it is comforting to be reminded of bread and kitchen appliances, with the warm glow of anthropomorphic toast.
3: Bread Pillow
We’re back to pillows again, now with the loaf of bread pillow, that does not fit in with any decor. Available in a number of sizes, the price will vary by the size you choose, but they’re all around $30. Absolutely nobody is going to want this pillow to be seen in their room, unless it is a dorm room, and furthermore, it looks totally uncomfortable, so this is a really great White Elephant gift.
2: BUG-A-SALT 3.0
Ok, this one is especially good, because I would actually want it - for maybe a few minutes. It is the iconic BUG-A-SALT rifle, and the way this works is you load it with salt, and fire at bugs in your apartment. The base model is $35, but you can get it equipped with a laser sight for better precision, or there’s a version called the “Advanced Combat Fiber Optic” which I have no idea what it does, but apparently is suitable for killing bugs in combat environments, so maybe we’ve been shipping these by the crate to the Ukraine this year.
The BUG-A-SALT rifle is a wonderful White Elephant gift, because it’s actually got some function that might trick the recipient into opening and using it, out of curiosity, before he realizes what a hideous waste of space it is. At the end of the day, it’s going to leave salt and dead bugs all over you house, and also, in order for it to be available at the ready, you basically need to incorporate what looks like a large Nerf gun, into you home decor. My top choice, really.
Amazon Astro, Household Robot
Ok, saving this for last. It’s a very limited use case, because it costs $999. This is the true modern day White Elephant. Suppose you’ve actually got the sort of money I mentioned at the top of the article, where you have the financial ability to make “Receiving Gifts” everyone’s primary love language. Maybe you gift your loved ones a car in the driveway with a bow on it, like in the commercial. Then Astro is the thing for you. In that case, try Astro!
Built by Amazon to make a scene at a CES convention years ago, Astro is a big, expensive, complicated thing that I don’t even know what it does. I think it is basically Alexa crossed with WALL-E, a Roomba, and a Kindle Fire. If I were exorbitantly wealthy, I would definitely bring this. I’d be somewhat concerned that the recipient would try to sell it - but nobody wants one of these. Eventually, they would break down, and open it up and try to figure out what it does. And there would be a couple days where this goofy/creepy, rolling spectacle of over-ambition from Jeff Bezos would be following people around the house with that goofy face. And that would have to be pretty funny, right?
Conclusion
And here we are. We have reached the end. Hopefully you can bring one of these to your Christmas gathering. Have a Merry Christmas, hopefully you come away with a nice bottle of booze or at least a gift card!