Internet Gift Guides Are All Terrible
(except my White Elephant guide, which is reliably excellent)
Looking for the perfect gift for somebody who is hard to shop for? Me too! Our family does a “secret santa” thing. Every year, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all draw names, and then on Christmas Eve, we gather around the tree and take turns presenting our gifts to whoever’s name we drew.
In this year’s Thanksgiving drawing, I got some tough luck, taking the name for a relative who happens to occupy a very distant income tax bracket, and who has a lot of things that are nicer than the things that I can afford. So it’s going to take some creativity to come up with a respectable gift.
I think most people out there today are more or less facing the same dilemma this Christmas. Everybody has everything, except for stuff you can’t afford, so we find ourselves really brainstorming for thoughtful gifts.
I did what I bet a lot of you have done in similar situations. I took to the internet, with searches on phrases like “best gift ideas for under $100,” “best gift ideas for golfer”, or “best tech gifts 2023.”
What I found, is 98% useless. For a good example, in the tech category, consider this article:
Tom’s Guide: 47+ best tech gifts for 2023 — top-rated gadgets for everyone on your list
I like Tom’s Guide for reviews, so I was interested in checking out their ideas. So, just wait until you read about this quirky, must-have little gadget that’s batting the lead-off spot on their list:
Wow! An iPhone 15, it’s called? Let me write that down before I forget… so it’s the letter “i”, and then Phone? All one word? Ok, and yeah, $799 is just a perfect, casual price. Man, I never would’ve thought of this, but now that I look at it, I might want to pick up a “smart phone” for myself. This form factor could catch on. Thanks Tom’s List! What would we do without you, and your tech-insider insights?
At least Tom was gracious enough to display the absolute and total uselessness of his gift guide, right at the outset of the article. That was a good signal for careful shoppers to not waste any more of their precious online shopping time reading further. We can try another useless list.
For example, since my secret santa assignment golfs, I searched “gifts for golfers” and came up with this:
Today: 40 gifts for the golfer in your life that are a guaranteed hole-in-one
These gifts are “guaranteed”. Whoever put this gift list together is confident in their supreme talents in curating gift lists.
No matter if your loved one is into watching golf from the couch every Sunday or out on the course making big swings, we’ve come up with a complete list of ideal golf gifts for him.”
Another bold claim. “Ideal”. Ok, let’s see what is first on the list. Here you go:
There you have it. A pair of ugly, “I’d rather be golfing” socks is the first thing you see on this list of ideal gifts for golfers. Not a White Elephant list. Not an ironic list. They’re being serious.
And yet, ever the optimist, I re-framed my search one more time, and tried a poker theme, as that’s another hobby of the intended recipient.
In this last desperate attempt, I went the Etsy angle.
Poker Gifts - 60+ Gift Ideas for 2023
I thought maybe Etsy would have something with a little personalized touch, that could be cool and creative, without being expensive. What they had, instead, was this:
I’ll stop here, and just say, in summary, in my grouchy opinion, “gift idea” lists are either for things that are exorbitantly expensive, or just plain waste-of-space trash. In fact, I could easily put one of these lists together. It would look like this:
Trying to shop for the guy who has everything? We know that can seem like an impossible task - but good news! We’ve solved it! Here at Cool Story, George, we have used our expert knowledge to compile this list of gifts that are absolutely a 100% slam-dunk guarantee to be PERFECT for the person you’re shopping for. We are making that guarantee even though we know absolutely nothing about the person you’re shopping for, so now you know these must be very accurate!
#1: Two (2) iPhone 15 Pros
Buying the latest iPhone is so played out. But buying TWO (2) of them? This will certainly make it a Christmas doubly wonderful to remember! Trust me, everyone’s going to love two (2) iPhone 15 Pros.
#2: Tesla Cybertruck
Trying to find a gift for that impossible-to-shop-for guy, who has everything? Well, you will really impress him with a Tesla Cybertruck! He’ll appreciate that you got on the wait list, years ago, and have somehow been connected with the right people in Elon’s inner circle, in order to receive one of the very first production versions of this, for a mere $100,000.
#3: An Entire Lego Store
Lego bricks aren’t just for kids anymore. Fueled partly by nostalgia, and partly by the ever more sophisticated and impressive set designs, Lego sets are becoming a mainstream staple gift between grown-up people. Still, it can be hard to know exactly which Lego set somebody might want, and the options can be overwhelming. That’s why I recommend purchasing an entire store.
Lego does not franchise their stores, and so that makes this gift extra unique and thoughtful, as your special family member will know that you went through months of negotiations and laborious drafting of contracts in order to make this happen.
#4: Mansion in Malibu
A mansion in Malibu actually makes a wonderful gift for 2023! Whoever it is that you’re shopping for is guaranteed to appreciate this prestigious coastal community, known for stunning beaches and celebrity homes! Imagine waking up to panoramic ocean views, and hosting extravagant parties! These Malibu mansions make great gifts that are sure to please!
#5: Total Control of a United States Senator
Who wouldn’t want this! Whether the special someone in your life is a Democrat, a Republican, or somewhere in between, total control of a US Senator is a gift that will keep on giving throughout the year, except during recess, or upon resignation if the details of this Christmas 2023 arrangement should come to public scrutiny. Which is highly unlikely.
#6: A Far Too Complicated Version of Something That Doesn’t Need to Be Complicated
Some easy examples are:
The Ridge Wallet, which is on every internet gift list, and is a thing that holds your credit cards and money (like your current wallet) except, it is titanium and costs $75
The Ember Smart Mug, which is a mug, that holds your drink, but can keep your coffee at your desired precise temperature, in case you intend to spend hours drinking one, single cup of coffee, and want it to be the same temperature all the time.
Personal favorite gimmick making the rounds on all the lists this year is the “Table-top Firepit”. At first, this seems interesting, until you realize this is simply a wildly over-engineered and overpriced candle. Maybe if they printed something clever on it, such as “smell like world’s greatest Substack author.
Which brings me to my last idea:
#7: Premium Subscription to “Cool Story, George.”
This does not, technically, exist, but for $1,999.00, I can draft something up in a Google Doc and sign it, to certify that you are giving a “premium” membership.
Buy now… this item will definitely sell out!