What to (sympathetically) Expect When You're Expecting (sympathetically)
10 things to know about parenting, from a dad's perspective
Are kids worth it? That’s apparently been a question on the world’s mind in 2024. It seems like every week there’s a different late-30’s woman who makes a cringey viral Tik Tok, poo-pooing the idea of having a family. She’ll flaunt how happy she is alone, and take pains to emphasize she can live this dream because she doesn’t have kids.
To bolster this assertion, she’ll describe her weekend, which goes something like:
Sleeping in until 1pm.
Polishing off a bottle of champagne for breakfast.
Taking a long, refreshing, Scrooge McDuck-style bath in tub full of gold coins - accumulated savings from not having kids.
Leading a class at her aerial horseback yoga studio where she’s a certified instructor.
Booking a vacation to North Korea, because she’s that far down the sight-seeing bucket list, having so much spare time and money to travel.
On the surface, it’s a bit obnoxious, but the way she’ll sort of passive-aggressively embed a “take that, married losers” message, is what really invites backlash.
And sure enough, a vocal portion of the social media universe is unleashed, re-posting the video with their criticisms. Parents of large families join the discourse, firing back with their two cents. “Having a family doesn’t mean you can’t travel. We actually travel more now than before we had kids! Ever since my husband installed a lift kit on the Sprinter van, it’s become so easy. The 9 of us drove from Kansas City to Machu Picchu and back; we had a blast, and we’re all immune to malaria now, the natural way.”
Then comes the backlash to the backlash, and a volley of opinion pieces by the nation’s thought-leaders. Next thing you know, battle lines are drawn, prominent Kansas City Chiefs and their significant others declare their positions, and this becomes an official platform item in the presidential election.
My Thoughts
So, kids or no kids? Are they worth it? Absolutely yes. Have kids if you can. I’m biased, of course - my wife and I just brought home our second kid.
I did, however, wait until precariously near 40 to embark on starting a family, so I can empathize with those grappling with the comfortable inertia of independent luxury. So if it helps, I’m going to list a few fun things I’ve learned, that nobody told me (or I just didn’t listen/forgot) about being a parent, and try to give a little glimpse of what it’s like, why it’s worth it, and tips for how to make the most of it when the time comes.
Granted, this is all from a father’s perspective. Pregnancy itself presents a monumental struggle, especially with this second kid. Chasing a two year old around the house, while carrying a child in the womb, is brutally exhausting. I experienced all of this via the very taboo and under-discussed “sympathetic pregnancy” symptoms.
Sympathetic pregnancy, also known as Couvade syndrome, is a term for the physical and psychological symptoms that non-pregnant partners of pregnant people experience.
- Source: Highly Reputable Google AI Labs
Yes, there is unfortunately, a tremendous lacking in education about Couvade syndrome, and many are uncomfortable - or even feel unsafe - discussing it. And not without good reason. The sobering reality is that I have been faced with threats of physical violence, and had objects such as pillows thrown very aggressively at me by pregnant people, when I try to raise awareness of Couvade. There is much progress to be made, in educating the public.
With that, here’s the list of pointers that I think are under-discussed for new parents:
Disregard other parents telling you it’s about to get worse.
If you’re a first time parent, you will be told, “OHHH, better enjoy [insert child developmental phase] while it lasts, because [subsequent phase of development] is coming, and it’s much worse” at each possible stage.
From pregnancy, to the current 2-year-old state, veteran parents have assured my wife and I, solemnly, that the current stage was the best, most enjoyable part of parenting their child, but then it got worse.
These people are losers, and their advice is mostly just an indictment of their parental incompetence, as well as evidence they are miserable Eeyores who haven’t lived a moment of their lives in the present.
“Look at her little feet and toes! So peaceful! You can take her anywhere… right now. Don’t get used to it though! She won’t sleep like this forever. Pretty soon you’re gonna need to be keeping her entertained all the time, and won’t get a moment to yourself!”
“What a sweet child! So happy! Oh but just wait till she starts running! Say goodbye to restaurants! You’re gonna have your hands full, and start losing your mind within weeks.”
“Oh, so adorable and sweet, with her first words. It’s fun now, but when they get bigger they don’t shut up, and then they go and tell daddy where mommy’s been hiding the wine bottles…”
Bottom line is that each stage of childhood development has it’s pros and cons, but you can learn to respond well to the cons, and the experience is overall magical to live through.
Avoid screen time, if only for the purpose of lording it over your parent peers.
I’ve found my fellow parents of babies often lead off small-talk by asking what show my kid likes best. It’s a real big ice-breaker crutch with the new dads. That’s why it’s been so worth it to keep the TV off, and the tablets and phones away from our daughter. For two years, my wife and I have enjoyed staring down our noses with delightful condescension, as we slowly, smugly, let on that our daughter has no screen time whatsoever.
Which is why she is so superior, you see. She doesn’t watch Coco the Pig… that’s what it’s called right? The show the dumber kids like?
It’s fun to observe my fellow parents backpedal, when we make this revelation. They’ll do a 180 on the conversation and emphasize what extraordinary discipline they have in limiting the screen time. I’ll hear all about how important they believe it is to keep it to just 1 hour - or whatever arbitrary threshold eases their hurting consciences.
And to be fair, I’m sure they mean the best for their kids, and a little bit of screen time won’t be a disaster. As long as they stay firm and consistent with their rules, their children will certainly excel in trade school and later go on to shine when it counts, standing before the parole board.
Having baby wipes around all the time is a special luxury of the parents of babies.
Here’s one you globetrotting singles and DINKS don’t know about: baby wipes! These are so nice! You poor fools probably think you’re living a life of opulence with your excessive paper towels? Ha! You don’t even know. Here’s what you should do, right now. Go to CVS and pick up a pack of baby wipes, set those on your counter, give ‘em a test drive, and tell me you’re ever going back.
They clean up anything, in such a very quick, effective, and refreshing way. Need to clean your fingers after indulging in a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos? No need to walk to the sink - if you’ve got a baby or toddler in the house. As the new parent, savor this taste of luxury (above and beyond the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos).
Hospital staff are in total, flagrant denial of the mental state of new parents.
Having a kid is exhausting and overwhelming. It’s a major life change, with all the excitement and challenges that come with it. The delivery is a physically draining day at the hospital, and at the other end of it, rather than rest, you’re met with new responsibility for the most fragile human possible.
Seems obvious that new parents are simply drained on those first couple of days in the maternity ward. Everyone knows it. Well, everyone EXCEPT hospital staff. While you’re in the maternity ward suite, with it’s non-locking doors and deliberately uncomfortable accommodations, count on the fact that somebody is going to swing by, unannounced, at roughly 90 minute intervals. It could be 3:30am and you all just fell asleep (sweet mercy of God, finally!), and that’s when some tech will barge into your room. He’ll flip on all the harshest fluorescent lights, and just launch right into a canned spiel, as if it’s 10am and we’re all at work in a conference room, expecting this and prepared to take notes:
“HEY HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING?? Ok, some I’m just going to wake baby up here and put ice cubes on his chest… this is something we do here with all the newborns. We’re just looking to make sure that your baby hates being woken up, stripped naked, and having us put a bunch ice cubes on his chest. Otherwise, could be jaundice. Hmm…. good! Everything looks perfect right now, but we’re going to want to make sure that you have an appointment within 72 hours of release, got that? Because until then, there are still some risk factors, and we want you to keep worrying. It’s always possible that there may be some hidden problem with your baby. Ok, I know it’s late, I’ll let you all get some sleep for maybe 40 minutes! Congrats!!”
Swaddle technology has advanced.
First of all, the stakes are high here. A well-swaddled baby is going to sleep. If that thing isn’t put together perfectly, your baby will break free of the swaddle and wave his arms around, which will allow him to begin to comprehend just a glimpse of the terrifying reality of existence. Just enough to trigger a crisis, and possibly hours of restless screaming. Hours which ought to have been peaceful sleep for the whole family. Swaddling is critical.
So why, at the hospital - with all the experts with their collective years of education, and vast fortune of student loan debts - do they insist on handing you a thin blanket for a swaddle? As if there’s not a clearly superior alternative?
Yes, in the maternity suite, a parade of nurses, doctors, and interns will proceed to demonstrate their own unique approaches to swaddling a baby using the preposterously over-matched swaddle blanket. The expectation is that you, the sleep-deprived and shell-shocked new parent, will memorize and perfect what is basically some ancient practice of extreme origami, based on this live demonstration.
This would make sense in the 1800s, prior to the invention of velcro and zippers. But now we have the technology to make comfy cozy little baby straight jackets, that are super easy to use.
So here’ s the most quick and easy first-time parent advise I’ll give: prior to the birth, go on Amazon or whatever, and get one of the hundreds of excellent swaddle products that are apparently not discussed in med school.
On that note: All kid technology advances rapidly
Take product recommendations from veteran parents with a grain of salt. A stroller built in 2024 is going to be leaps and bounds superior to the stroller that your friend swears by from when his kids were little, back in 2015.
A child product design that was a game-changer only a few years ago, is hot garbage in 2024. I don’t know if there has been a linear progression in baby gear tech - one that may be expected to continue indefinitely - or if some sort of revolution occurred in the 20’s, but I’ll vouch it is true. This stuff becomes truly obsolete quickly.
The new stuff looks much better too. It’s been a revelation for me, as a new parent, to learn that bulky, Fisher-Price, primary color, eye-sore design is more the result of fashion choices, then some sort of result of pediatrics optimized research-driven engineering choices. Yes, just because you have kids, your home does not need to look like Pee Wee’s playhouse.
Prepare for the frustration and grief at the loss of a Lego brick:
If I had to do it over again, I simply would have bought two of the first Duplo set we got our girl. Even with enormous toddler blocks, we still managed to lose a part on the first day the thing was opened.
If you’re like me and simply can’t live with that, you’ll be delighted to learn about Lego’s portal for ordering specific parts. You can get the serial number for any block in the known universe, and have it mailed to your home. A very satisfying process.
Expensive, though, so again, you’re most likely better off to just buy a second set, and hide it.
There needs to be a tool for opening the classic Fisher Price Russian Nested Ball toy.
If you look it up you’ll recognize it. It’s a big plastic ball, full of smaller plastic balls. There’s a rattle in the center. A classic toy. At some point in the first year or so, you should expect to receive this toy from a relative, as gift for your baby, and a death wish to your fingernails.
Yes, officially sold as the Fisher-Price Stack & Roll Cups, this innovative toy is great for early development of your child’s nagging skills, as she’ll perpetually be requesting assistance in snapping together, and then separating these cups.
If you, the adult, find yourself lacking the motor skills to use this alleged “baby toy,” you’re not alone. I found it was the top-rated question to the manufacturer online. Note how Mattel Corporation Customer Service dodges the question, merely denying the issue, and deferring to a yet another contact form.
As far as I have been able to tell, there is no good way to separate them, other than hard work, determination, and rage.
Regarding kids’ music.
The music is one of the best perks of being a dad. Ready to have your world turned upside down? Well check this out: Baa Baa Black Sheep, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Now I Know My ABC’s are all the same melody. That’s right. You can just put down the phone for a moment, and stop and sing them all. Same song.
Who knew! And furthermore, did you know that Snoop Dogg has a kid’s music franchise/album called Snoop Dogg's Doggyland where he sings nursery rhymes, under the alias Bow Wizzle? He does, and for that matter, Snoop Dogg’s Doggyland performs Baa Baa Blacksheep.
As a parent, I have found that kid song production value is top notch. From a supply/demand, economic perspective, this makes logical sense. Everyone knows the big money - across all entertainment media industries - is in the stuff for kids. Reason being, kids listen to whatever they like over and over again, as opposed to adults who can get tired of any given song. So if you get a hit song for little kids on YouTube… that’s yacht-with-intergrated-helicopter money.
The stakes are very high, and so we get the brightest lyricists, pairing with the most talented musicians, and most sophisticated production teams. Together, these people come up with the most ridiculous ear-worms possible. Some members of your household may find this music tacky, and have a limited tolerance for it. Personally, I embrace it and lean in, singing along.
There are consequences, for me as the parent, as any of a vast album of goofy yet absurdly catchy songs are liable to be tossed onto the turn-table by my mind’s DJ, at the least opportune moments. Try explaining the variances for Q3 operating expenses to the Supply Chain executive team, whilst in your head, you can only think, “Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring BANANAPHONE!!!!”
Brace for the thrill of revisiting nursery rhymes and discovering the potential for deeply dark hidden meanings.
I think we all, in the back of our minds, suspect that classic “Nursery Rhymes” have some pretty dark and grotesque origins.
Does “Ring around the rosie” refer to Bubonic Plauge symptoms, and “Ashes, ashes, we all fall down,” call to mind the cremation of piles of contaminated dead bodies? I don’t know if it’s true - despite having spent a substantial amount of time Googling it - but I somehow want to believe the worst.
There are many such mysteries, from the world of nursery rhymes. And that’s the kind of thing I search on my phone, as a parent of a toddler and baby. When a late night diaper change leaves you sleepless, you too will likely be driven to stupidly give in to the insomnia-enabling, blue-light stimulation of your phone, and look up what could ever have been the origin of “Hi-ho the dario”.
Want to know what “Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub” is about? There’s a leading theory out there, and let me tell you, it’s not pretty. I’d like to keep this blog plausibly kid-friendly, so I won’t get into it, but if you’d like to do you own research, I’d advise not using a work-issued laptop.
Look into a few of these, and you’ll question everything. Currently, I’ve got a lot of concerns about who Dinah was, and the nature of the relationship and activities of Dinah and this other someone in the kitchen. Is “strummin on the old banjo” a euphemism? Guilty until proven innocent, in my nursery-rhyme corrupted mind.
Best Surprise of All:
My daughter’s two years old, and already somebody I consider a top-tier choice of people to hang out with. Fact is, a few years ago, I wasn’t sure what being a dad would be like. Turns out my daughter is just the most delightful person to walk around with, hang out with, and talk to. Her vocabulary is limited, but she will find a way to deploy her sparse roster of words to create relevant conversation in the most charming, upbeat, way. She also somehow has comedic timing as well, already.
I could go on and on about her, and will be that way about my newborn son shortly too. So the point is, that’s been the biggest shock for me, as a new parent. I knew it would be good, but I was not ready for how much I want to just be around these small people. I did not anticipate being a dad to be this way, but it’s great.
Sorry this was a bit long. Could’ve been a Tik Tok, I guess.