Editor’s Note: This is the 2023 issue of a theme I introduced last year. The 2022 installment contained some valuable background and insights about the White Elephant tradition and its guiding philosophies. I enjoyed writing that, and so it stands to reason you may enjoy reading it as well, so I’m linking it here:
2022 White Elephant Gift Guide
White Elephant Post-Game Press Conference
I’ve been saving up these gift ideas all year, and am excited to share them, but before I get to the recommendations, I need to address the unfortunate events which unfolded on the evening of December 24th, 2022.
I take full responsibility for a serious mismanagement of strategy, and possibly several ethical violations which occurred during last year’s Christmas Eve extended-family White Elephant gift exchange. Without getting too far into the details (maybe another blog post one day), I’ll say that, following a long sequence of lamentable events and developments, I came away from the gift exchange with a bottle of nasty, cheap, champagne.
Champagne is ok once in a while, but it needs to be premium. Even just a little bit of bad champagne can turn a good day into a sick day, plus a devastating hangover in the morning. And this bottle was obviously terrible, headache-inducing poison. Generic champagne, probably bottom shelf at Big Lots.
Who brings that to a gift exchange? It’s not even funny or quirky or creative. The coward has yet to come forward. After unwrapping it, I remarked to the room that I was concerned somebody else might steal this bottle from me, since it was such a useful drain-cleaning product.
That was probably a rude thing to say on Christmas Eve, and maybe that is why the aforementioned coward chose not to come forward.
So that’s just a good reminder to everybody this year; this article is going to give some ideas for what to bring, but let’s not forget to have a plan when it’s actually game time, and you’re choosing what to unwrap at the party. Let’s all slow down a little bit beforehand, and just give some thought to our strategy. Remember the principles, and make good decisions.
Top 10 White Elephant Gifts for 2023
With that, on to the gift idea list. This year’s list is, at heart, a testament to how well I’ve trained the various algorithms that rule the advertisements I see. Ever since last year’s article, I’ve been getting increasingly bizarre products pitched to me on whatever sites and apps are using the right cookies.
These are some pretty great ideas, and even the most useless item on this list, I guarantee you, is a better thing to contribute than generic champagne.
Enjoy!
#10: Titanic Toy Co RMS Titanic Model Ship (Ice Berg Included!)
The Titanic sank over 100 years ago, and yet this item, selling on Amazon for an unreasonable $29.99, manages to be too soon. When you see something like this, you begin to understand why some some experts are wary of 3D printers falling into the wrong hands.
It’s the included ice berg that makes it feel wrong. And these excerpts from the product description sure don’t help:
“Perfect for birthdays, holidays, or when you want to recreate history's most epic oopsie-daisy moment!”
“Use it as a conversation starter or, better yet, an iceberg-dodging titanic cake topper. Who said history can't be deliciously decorative?”
If opening this gift causes an awkward silence at the Christmas party, consider breaking the ice (so to speak) with a comment like, “I don’t see why anyone’s uncomfortable; this is just a whimsical nod to history’s most epic oopsie-daisy moment. You people don’t like history, huh?”
At that point, the room will know you contributed this to the gift exchange.
#9: Hans Gruber Nakatomi Plaza Advent Calendar
Maybe the haters are right; maybe Die Hard never was a true Christmas movie… because it’s an Advent movie!
File this under White Elephant gifts I would actually use. At $14.99, I may in fact, bring this to Christmas Eve. In a way, this is very appropriate for Advent. Consider Hans Gruber; he had such a perfect plan. He thought he had it all under control; so powerful with his team of formidable henchmen, enabling him to live his wicked ways with impunity and no fear of God. But we know not the day or the hour when plucky, fish-out-water NYPD detective John McClane might show up and ruin your elaborate, terrorist, bearer-bonds scheme, and send you to eternal judgement.
Ponder your mortality and sinfulness all through Advent, with the realization that death comes for us all. Be moved to repentance, as Alan Rickman’s iconic villain falls day-by-day, nearer and nearer his gruesome demise. A voice cries out in the desert: “Yippe-ki-yay…”
#8: UFO Cow Abduction: Beam Up Your Bovine (with light and sound)
Is there anything I need to add? The product title images cover it all. At a sizzling $11.58, this is an absolute steal, and guaranteed to be stolen again. My only concern has to do with the “The Cow Abduction Chronicles” literature packaged along with this. It’s stamped right on the front there, “CONFIDENTIAL,” and I wouldn’t want to get anyone into any sort of Snowden/Assange type of trouble for peddling such protected information.
#7: Zebra Cake 3-Wick Scented Candle
We’ll take a step away from Amazon for this next one. What a wonderful time to be alive, when Instagram can connect customers like me with services like Goose Creek, makers of Little-Debbie-snack-scented candles. I chose to highlight the Zebra Cakes, but there’s a whole lot more, as you’ll see.
Scented candles are never a big hit at White Elephant gift exchanges; and yet, they're always there, like cockroaches. I’d say any one of these candles could be a nice, ironic, above-it-all nod to White Elephant tradition.
#6: Giant Ice Cream Planter
Oftentimes, it seems, the largest gifts get picked early. At a White Elephant gift exchange, there’s some sort of psychological phenomenon at play, wherein people tend to go for the biggest present.
So this is a good reminder for everybody this year: avoid the big boxes. Think about it; what could possibly be in there that you’d want? The overwhelming odds are, in taking the largest package under the tree, you’re going to have the most wasted space in your home afterward.
And yet, the big boxes get unwrapped first. That’s just how it always goes. I suppose there is curiosity driving that, as well as a thirst for attention. So, give ’em what they want! Make it a show! Yes, at $45, this is coming in on the high end, but you’re getting value. You’re going to have the largest present at the party, and so there’s going to be a lot of anticipation leading up to the unwrapping. I think this enormous, ice cream cone shaped planter provides a real payoff.
Plus, imagine the aftermath; consider the wonderful characters one would be dealing with, to try to negotiate the sale of a giant-ice-cream-cone-planter on OfferUp? Comedy ensues!
#5: Sharper Image LED Light-Up Word Clock
Sharper Image has got to be the most prestigious, storied, purveyor of White Elephants in history. A master of the craft, really. This clock has been getting offered to me in the ads all year, and I really do like how inconvenient and insulting it is. Makes a wonderful White Elephant gift.
Everybody wants more, glaring, blinking, LED lighting in their homes, right? I think what makes this gift extra special is how it makes the owner appear to be some sort of moron who never learned how to tell time. At $28.99, the time is now to buy what has got to be one of the top options to bring to the party this year.
#4: Lying Flat Duck Night Light
Night lights are turning into a bit of a perennial category here at the Cool Story, George White Elephant top ten list office. This year’s night light is duck-themed. The product title is “Lying Flat Duck,” but I think that’s because they didn’t want to call it, “Defeated, disillusioned duck, who not only doesn’t know what to do with his life, but what’s worse, has lost the will to try to even search for meaning. The only thing keeping this duck short of total despair is that he simply doesn’t have the energy for it. This duck numbly floats through his days - just being, and feeling nothing.”
“Lying Flat Duck” is a more succinct product title.
I do appreciate the color temperature (at least as advertised), but otherwise, I’d be initially amused receiving something like this, and only weeks later, become annoyed with my big depressed duck light that doesn’t match any rationale person’s decor. 10/10 White Elephant item. $16.99 on Amazon today.
#3: Expensive, Pretentious West Elm Concrete Banana
Some of the wealthiest people I’ve known have also happened to be some of the most abhorrent, tasteless givers of gifts. It’s not that they are selfish or lack generosity; it’s just that they have such pretentious taste that they’re unrelateable, and can’t fathom what a normal, healthy person who works for a living might enjoy.
If that’s you, then I recommend spending what is mere pocket change to you, and bringing this completely useless $48 concrete banana to the White Elephant exchange. Then, proceed to act all pleased with yourself for generously contributing it to your plebeian friends and relatives. It’s sold by West Elm, and comes in several colors to reflect your preferred state of banana decay (I’m not kidding).
Imagine opening a box, and seeing it’s from West Elm, and getting maybe a little hopeful, and then you open it and find a $48 concrete banana? Pretty good, right?
What a stupid, pretentious, waste of money and space! Just remember: no gift receipts!
#2: Nintendo Entertainment System Coaster Set
Here you go; maybe my personal favorite that I’d actually use. Everybody needs coasters, and these are just cool enough to where I’d be happy to take them home from the party, and yet, just tacky enough to where I wouldn’t actually want to see them strewn about the surfaces of my furniture.
#1: Kirby Themed Otamatone
What you’re looking at here is the future of music. I might go so far to say that the Otamatone could, one day, render the traditional kazoo obsolete.
It’s the latest, hottest technology craze Japan has blessed us with, and I’ve chosen to highlight this particular version in festive Kirby livery, which is $38.49 on a Cyber Monday deal. You ought be able to find another version more closely aligned to your budget, if you’re so inclined.
I’ll confess that the ordering of the items on this Top 10 List has been almost completely arbitrary, but I do think the Otamatone is the best of the lot. With that, I’ll leave you with a YouTube Otamatone quartet, to play us off with a delightful Evanescence cover. If you can find the patience, wait for it to really get going when the beat drops around 50 seconds in.